I'm meeting myself at a crossroads.

So, as some of you should know, I just came back from a retreat this past weekend.

It was beyond words.

It's kind of funny. It's beyond words almost to me now, but 3 years ago it wasn't. 3 years, when I first surrendered my life to Christ, words just spewed out of me. And like a noob, I posted it on my myspace blog LOL. But as old-fashioned and immature as that sounds, how much more passionate and sure was I in that moment. I remember thinking back, during this Sevant's retreat, to my old post on my myspace. I remembered how embarrassed I was when I saw my Youth Pastor's comment on my post. I remembered how awkward it felt to post those "un-cool" and "personal" things on my myspace. But then I remembered how good it felt to write that blog. How genuine those words were. How revived--how alive I was. In all my literate immaturity, I'm going to re-post that entry on my new blog here. Read if you want, especially if you want to know how stupid I sounded in 8th grade (LOL):

Mar 31, 2007

Current mood:contemplative

Echo

Okay again, this is directed towards a more Christian audience, but please feel free to continue reading if you want. Remember, I'm not trying to convert anyone, this is by your own free-will you are reading this.

Alright well, I know this is a bit late, but I really want to talk about this past weekend I just had. My youth and I went on a weekend retreat called Spring Fling. It was incredible. I can't describe it, really. In two days there was a huge leap in our bond with eachother as a youth group, and with God. I don't doubt that all of us felt the burning presence of the Holy Spirit raging inside.

The whole weekend covered who Jesus really was, and what he calls us to do. Jesus, in basic terms, was crazy. He would be blunt, mean, and rude. People think that all he said was,"love others." He said this true, but he also went and turned buildings upside down.

He also taught others to be selfless, to serve others. For once, it wasn't about you, but about the others. This, everyone, is what the Kingdom of God is all about. The others. The lost. The blind. All of us are already saved. He calls upon us for the others. And by doing so weecho Jesus Christ himself.

So now Jesus Christ calls us to be a selfless, loving, but crazy person. And hopefully, by doing so, we'll help the others. Seems difficult, huh? Jesus and his diciples faced persecution and hatred, yet they managed to spread Christianity all through out the known world. Within 100 years, Christianity had spread out of Rome, and all over Europe.

So why, in todays world, is Christianity suffering. Why, in Jesus' time, did his word prosper. The worst you and I will ever face is maybe a label. But that's all it really is. We won't die for his name, we won't be banished. But even so, the banishment seemed to keep the fire spreading.

I think we are all getting lazy. We're all victims of it. Even me, yeah, Josh, the Jesus guy. We want to indulge. We want to be a dick, we want to fuck this person over. But we can't, we can't succom to these temptations, we have to think of the others.

Okay, okay. So who the hell is this guy, preaching to us to stop being a dick.? Why does he think he can tell any of us how live our lives?

Guys, I'm not trying to. I admit, I'm probably one of the worst about it. It's so hard to avoid in highschool. The social inequalities, the stereotypes, the want for self-indulgence. It's all there, and I'm a victim to it.

But we can't use this excuse forever. "Oh, it's too hard, I guess if it's inevitable to sin, then I might as well give up." "I might as well forget about Jesus until I need him for something or another." I have to stop thinking like this. We have to stop thinking like this. Once we fall victim to this, once we are sucked into this trap, all of society looses hope. We are Jesus to them. We are their outlets. We are the echo. Please, the only thing that I hope anyone takes out of this is, to remember. Remember what Jesus wants us to do. When we see someone being trashed in the hallway, don't partake in it. We all want too, it's so easy. But, once we do, we loose sight of Jesus and fall to sin. Chain reaction. More sin. More lack of control. No hope.

It's about the others

If we want to see a change in how our youth of today think, then we need to be the echo, the true echo, of Jesus Christ.

thanks for reading

Good luck

&

God bless ^^b

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Dang...I remember feeling like everything clicked. Like God wasn't just a set of rules, but a person. Someone I was in a relationship with. Someone I could rely on. Someone to talk to, even. But more than that, that God was an entruster. An entruster of his mission to us. To me. To do what he does: to love others. To care for them. To serve them. That, "doing this in remembrance" of Him, was not just ritualistic, but a fundamental change in living. In living for others.

Thinking back it even now, you could almost say that I'm jealous of my old self. Of that passion that I had. And it lasted for a while too. But like most passion does, as most spiritual-highs do, it died down. Unfortunately, I missed one, crucial point at that ECHO retreat. That my confrontation with the living Christ was not an end, but an ongoing process.

Close friendship cannot really last with one phone call, and incessant begging afterwards. Rather than relationship, it's dependence.

God calls us to be in relationship with him. And if I think that, one real, interaction with him is enough to prolong a relationship, then I am sadly mistaken. My communication with God was indeed prayer, and consistent prayer at that. But it was all demanding. "Please do this.." "Give me this..." "Make it so that..." What relationship would ever sustain like this? How is this love?

I know that I'm probably stating the obvious. In fact, for me, it was always the obvious. But it's easy to know something and to act otherwise. Unfortunately, I did.

Servant's changed this though. Ever since basically the summer before Senior year, I was on this spiritual drought. I wasn't losing faith in God, but I lost faith in myself to talk to him. I thought that, because of my ineptitude to relate to God, I was left behind. But God revealed many things to me this weekend. Avoiding the specifics of the sermons and such (Because that would take multiple blog posts to accomplish), I saw myself as left behind by God. But in reality, his intentions were different. To him, he had drawn me in part way; I had made my way closer to him, closer to where he wants me to be. But rather than being complacent about my incomplete advances, he moved farther back to draw me in even closer, and was calling me from farther away. But after March 31, 2007, I thought I was done. And so when I felt that God had left, I had failed to see that he was just calling me closer to him once again.

This epiphany hit me on the very first night. God's calling me closer, not leaving me behind. I need to stop just talking at God with my palms open for receiving. I need to actually talk to God. Read his words to us. Spend time with him. Thinking with him. Just talking. If my friend wrote me a letter telling me about such good news, would I not do the same thing?

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Alright, well I tried to not get too religious in this post. I tried to keep it short too... T_T. I was trying to also focus mostly on my older, myspace post as well. But things didn't really turn out as planned I guess. That's okay though. Though neither as concise or as powerful as what I wrote so long ago, I feel like I have met myself at a crossroads. Here I am, in reflection of my past, and in anticipation of things to come. Nothing is certain; not all is laid out for me. I still have a lot to learn, much to seek, but at least I'm at a new beginning of getting there. With general ideas of how to move forward, I am now setting my sails to meet the wind of God's gusts, blowing me in the direction of where I will meet him again.