Knowledge or Belief: in a Black and White World.

Today I'm often finding myself wondering, "What do I actually believe?" Without a doubt, college has opened my eyes to new things. Or rather, maybe things that aren't new, but things in greater saturation. This isn't even all about societally defined "bad things" either. Just life experiences in general. I'm swimming in them. My life now is much farther, more expansive, than my bedroom, my house, my high school. And it is continuing to grow. I haven't seen everything, I definitely haven't learned all there is to know, but it is a process that, I believe, has accelerated after coming to college.

People have always talked about the resistance of peer pressure and the importance of staying your own person. I agree with this. But I think it was, for me, easy to agree with it. I doubt that I really am some spectacular person with an above-average moral compass. I know what is right from wrong, indeed, but I don't necessarily believe it was some power inside me from stopping things from happening. I just think it was the surroundings that I was in my entire life.

I am by no means sheltered. Maybe I am a good kid, some could say too good (I wouldn't agree), but that doesn't go for everyone. I've seen enough of the world out there at least to know what's up. I can thank some of my friends for that, and I guess "to thank" is the proper term here. Rather than going enduring certain things, I was able to vicariously observe. And so, I like to think that I have shed at least some naivety throughout the years. And going through life, this second-hand experience was enough.

Now I'm in college. Things are different. There is so much more access to anything and everything. I can go pretty much do whatever I like, so long as I am willing to pay certain associated risks (party on the weekends or study for an exam..?). Now, I am in no way trying to "come out" on blogger and say that I've completely changed into something radically different from who I was before. For one, blogger is a stupid place to do that. Two, that's far from the case. I've more or less kept in tact that which I have believed for most of my life. And again, this applies to everything, not just the "bad stuff" you might be leading on too.

But not everything has remained constant. Not everything around me, at least. [by the way, this isn't about anyone or anything in particular, it's just things I've been noticing I guess. If you're self-conscious and thinking that I'm talking about you then stop.] And without a doubt, various scenarios run through my head. What if I actually decide to do this. What if that happens. What if I can't prevent bleh from happening. And this, an that, and bleh, are happening around me at the same time.

So I guess this is all to ask the question: at what point is something we think an actual belief? Because to believe something means this: to have confidence or faith in the truth of (a positive assertion, story, etc.); give credence to. In the depths of your soul, what you say you believe in is something you have found absolute truth in. To believe in something isn't to just hope that it happens, it is to have defined it across your entire being. Something intrinsic within you. Otherwise, a belief would be a floppy, flimsy, almost worthless word. And who wants that?

I believe in God. There is no falseness in this statement. In fact, the bible talks about what to believe, or have faith, in Jesus means. Romans defines belief (faith) in something as more than just an acknowledgement of it. It's not just recognizing, "Hey, I think God exists." Because, apparently, even evil spirits and demons themselves believed that Jesus was the Son of God and was raised from the dead. So more than just a mental assertion, it is an ascension to a deep rooted trust and conviction across your mind, body, and soul. And this is distinguished best by the mark of acts of love for others. That is how Paul describes faith. Through participation in Christ, through living out the message, and living it out on the basis of an entirely inward conviction that what you simply know is truth. And to act in anything other than truth is false living.

I would say that a lot can be learned from this framework. Not just in a biblical sense, but in everything. To believe in something is something more than just, "Hey, that might be good to do (or not to do)," but to actually be define it in ourselves. To trust it in to the point that acting in any other way is not right. That is true belief. That is true morality.

People say beliefs change. Over time, opinions are modified. And to an extent, this is true. But if a belief suddenly changes, manifested in a change in behavior, did we really believe it in the first place? Did we believe it like it was the truth.

If your answer is yes: then you have to ask the next question, "Can truth change?" or, "Was I adhering to a wrong truth." And if you answer no: well, there's not much more to say.

If I believed with all my heart that eating meat was bad and mean to animals, then I would be a vegetarian. But let's say that my friend ordered the best meat-lovers pizza from Domino's (Or Pizza Hut, or Papa Johns, whatever you like). And when they leave the room to get some drinks, I look at my veggie pizza, look at their box, back at mine, and then snatch a quick sausage cutlet from their slice. And I loved every minute of it. What is the case here?
Do I really feel concern for the animals who had to die? Maybe I still do. Maybe I understand that the animals that died were kept in brutal conditions before they were slaughtered. But was it convicted inside me, that, in order to impart some good in the world, I must refrain entirely from eating meat? How strong was this belief, that in the face of temptation, I quickly wavered. Probably not that strong.

I've just been wondering what I actually believe. If I'm faced in a certain situation, something that I've never been involved in upfront, will I remain strong in my beliefs? Or will I find that they quickly evaporate in the face of anything succulently curious. How much of what I think is actually what I believe?




I realize that this is a very black and white way to look at the world. But that's unfortunately how I see the world sometimes. I'll probably regret posting this and question myself more, but the thoughts were swimming around, so I wanted to organize it here. Sorry if I sound like an idiot or an overly-analyzingly-judgmental fool. LOL.

Finals, finals, finals

*I just read what I wrote and there's no point in reading this. So stop here LOL*



I really want finals to be over. I hate them. Why are my grades to bad T_T ?

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to write about. I wish I could be more positive or something but I feel like crap. All I've been doing is studying; I barely see people, unless I'm studying with them; I haven't had a break since Saturday (except for Chipotle..haha that was fun); I still have yet to even take one final. And they're all smooshed together. There's so much to study for. I need to do well on all 3 or else my GPA will suck. Even if I study it seems like nothing is sticking, or I just get more questions. I thought a week and a half of studying would be enough, but I can't seem to get everything. WHY IS COLLEGE SO HARD GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


I want to go home for a month and not have to deal with work for that entire time. At least next semester will be easier.

I don't think I have anything worth pondering to write about either. What a fruitless blog. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.



But because it was so meaningless I feel unsatisfied, so I keep writing for nothing LOL. Maybe I'll just save this as a draft. LOL.

okay i'll stop. hopefully my next post is better than this. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

i forgot how to Relax

Yesterday was my most relaxing day at UVA yet. It actually seems pretty pathetic if you think about it, but I enjoyed it a lot. My day consisted of this:

Wake up
Eat
Read
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Watch Sad Movie
Solve Puzzle (it was a dolphin LOL)
Sleep.

All with my roommate (except for the eating part because he was still sleeping).


But yeah it was really nice. A good break from UVA while still at UVA. Most of my days consist of being with multiple people constantly, always doing something, and never just relaxing. Even if we're all just chilling in someone's room, it's hard to find a sense of peace while surrounded by a lot of people. It's not a bad thing though. We all enjoy each other's company, so rather than being lifeless and boring while together, we choose to have fun. Actually, maybe it's almost an obligation. That's why yesterday was very welcomed. I wasn't obligated to do anything (except studying I guess). I didn't have to make conversation, listen to some issue, or just be lively.

I think I sound pretty anti-social up there, and maybe that's a reflection of how I'm feeling today. But it's not to say that I don't want to do or dislike partaking in what I said above. The whole part of being a friend is wanting the ones you love to be okay and to have a good time with them. And so for the past few months, as I've grown to know and grown in these people, that's what I've been doing.

However, I think yesterday was a necessary break. It's good to just be alone and be yourself, I would say. Even though I was with John, it was still just really relaxing. I think it's gotten to a point living with John where I can be pretty much completely comfortable being myself in my own room. He can be at his desk doing something, and I can be on my bed doing something else. There's no tension to talk or break silence. Sure, the added comment of something funny on youtube or facebook is welcomed, but over all, just knowing that we're there is enough to keep company. I really like that though. That's how close we are. There's not always a need for words, or a need to be doing something. Just us being there is enough.




And this is all to say that, though I wasn't technically alone yesterday, I was still free enough to just shut down and chill. Hopefully this defines my entrance into Finals Season. I don't want to go into it stressed out and wired up. I want to take finals as they come, and, while preparing, take it with a peaceful state of mind.

Maybe I'll keep in my room for a bit longer.


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Gahh...I don't want this to come off as being anti-social or not wanting to be with friends. I'm not saying that I don't want to be with anyone for finals days of the semester to come. I love my friends. And I love being with them. The only thing that should be taken out of this is that I liked relaxing yesterday. LOL.