Knowledge or Belief: in a Black and White World.

Today I'm often finding myself wondering, "What do I actually believe?" Without a doubt, college has opened my eyes to new things. Or rather, maybe things that aren't new, but things in greater saturation. This isn't even all about societally defined "bad things" either. Just life experiences in general. I'm swimming in them. My life now is much farther, more expansive, than my bedroom, my house, my high school. And it is continuing to grow. I haven't seen everything, I definitely haven't learned all there is to know, but it is a process that, I believe, has accelerated after coming to college.

People have always talked about the resistance of peer pressure and the importance of staying your own person. I agree with this. But I think it was, for me, easy to agree with it. I doubt that I really am some spectacular person with an above-average moral compass. I know what is right from wrong, indeed, but I don't necessarily believe it was some power inside me from stopping things from happening. I just think it was the surroundings that I was in my entire life.

I am by no means sheltered. Maybe I am a good kid, some could say too good (I wouldn't agree), but that doesn't go for everyone. I've seen enough of the world out there at least to know what's up. I can thank some of my friends for that, and I guess "to thank" is the proper term here. Rather than going enduring certain things, I was able to vicariously observe. And so, I like to think that I have shed at least some naivety throughout the years. And going through life, this second-hand experience was enough.

Now I'm in college. Things are different. There is so much more access to anything and everything. I can go pretty much do whatever I like, so long as I am willing to pay certain associated risks (party on the weekends or study for an exam..?). Now, I am in no way trying to "come out" on blogger and say that I've completely changed into something radically different from who I was before. For one, blogger is a stupid place to do that. Two, that's far from the case. I've more or less kept in tact that which I have believed for most of my life. And again, this applies to everything, not just the "bad stuff" you might be leading on too.

But not everything has remained constant. Not everything around me, at least. [by the way, this isn't about anyone or anything in particular, it's just things I've been noticing I guess. If you're self-conscious and thinking that I'm talking about you then stop.] And without a doubt, various scenarios run through my head. What if I actually decide to do this. What if that happens. What if I can't prevent bleh from happening. And this, an that, and bleh, are happening around me at the same time.

So I guess this is all to ask the question: at what point is something we think an actual belief? Because to believe something means this: to have confidence or faith in the truth of (a positive assertion, story, etc.); give credence to. In the depths of your soul, what you say you believe in is something you have found absolute truth in. To believe in something isn't to just hope that it happens, it is to have defined it across your entire being. Something intrinsic within you. Otherwise, a belief would be a floppy, flimsy, almost worthless word. And who wants that?

I believe in God. There is no falseness in this statement. In fact, the bible talks about what to believe, or have faith, in Jesus means. Romans defines belief (faith) in something as more than just an acknowledgement of it. It's not just recognizing, "Hey, I think God exists." Because, apparently, even evil spirits and demons themselves believed that Jesus was the Son of God and was raised from the dead. So more than just a mental assertion, it is an ascension to a deep rooted trust and conviction across your mind, body, and soul. And this is distinguished best by the mark of acts of love for others. That is how Paul describes faith. Through participation in Christ, through living out the message, and living it out on the basis of an entirely inward conviction that what you simply know is truth. And to act in anything other than truth is false living.

I would say that a lot can be learned from this framework. Not just in a biblical sense, but in everything. To believe in something is something more than just, "Hey, that might be good to do (or not to do)," but to actually be define it in ourselves. To trust it in to the point that acting in any other way is not right. That is true belief. That is true morality.

People say beliefs change. Over time, opinions are modified. And to an extent, this is true. But if a belief suddenly changes, manifested in a change in behavior, did we really believe it in the first place? Did we believe it like it was the truth.

If your answer is yes: then you have to ask the next question, "Can truth change?" or, "Was I adhering to a wrong truth." And if you answer no: well, there's not much more to say.

If I believed with all my heart that eating meat was bad and mean to animals, then I would be a vegetarian. But let's say that my friend ordered the best meat-lovers pizza from Domino's (Or Pizza Hut, or Papa Johns, whatever you like). And when they leave the room to get some drinks, I look at my veggie pizza, look at their box, back at mine, and then snatch a quick sausage cutlet from their slice. And I loved every minute of it. What is the case here?
Do I really feel concern for the animals who had to die? Maybe I still do. Maybe I understand that the animals that died were kept in brutal conditions before they were slaughtered. But was it convicted inside me, that, in order to impart some good in the world, I must refrain entirely from eating meat? How strong was this belief, that in the face of temptation, I quickly wavered. Probably not that strong.

I've just been wondering what I actually believe. If I'm faced in a certain situation, something that I've never been involved in upfront, will I remain strong in my beliefs? Or will I find that they quickly evaporate in the face of anything succulently curious. How much of what I think is actually what I believe?




I realize that this is a very black and white way to look at the world. But that's unfortunately how I see the world sometimes. I'll probably regret posting this and question myself more, but the thoughts were swimming around, so I wanted to organize it here. Sorry if I sound like an idiot or an overly-analyzingly-judgmental fool. LOL.

Finals, finals, finals

*I just read what I wrote and there's no point in reading this. So stop here LOL*



I really want finals to be over. I hate them. Why are my grades to bad T_T ?

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to write about. I wish I could be more positive or something but I feel like crap. All I've been doing is studying; I barely see people, unless I'm studying with them; I haven't had a break since Saturday (except for Chipotle..haha that was fun); I still have yet to even take one final. And they're all smooshed together. There's so much to study for. I need to do well on all 3 or else my GPA will suck. Even if I study it seems like nothing is sticking, or I just get more questions. I thought a week and a half of studying would be enough, but I can't seem to get everything. WHY IS COLLEGE SO HARD GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


I want to go home for a month and not have to deal with work for that entire time. At least next semester will be easier.

I don't think I have anything worth pondering to write about either. What a fruitless blog. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.



But because it was so meaningless I feel unsatisfied, so I keep writing for nothing LOL. Maybe I'll just save this as a draft. LOL.

okay i'll stop. hopefully my next post is better than this. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

i forgot how to Relax

Yesterday was my most relaxing day at UVA yet. It actually seems pretty pathetic if you think about it, but I enjoyed it a lot. My day consisted of this:

Wake up
Eat
Read
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Watch Sad Movie
Solve Puzzle (it was a dolphin LOL)
Sleep.

All with my roommate (except for the eating part because he was still sleeping).


But yeah it was really nice. A good break from UVA while still at UVA. Most of my days consist of being with multiple people constantly, always doing something, and never just relaxing. Even if we're all just chilling in someone's room, it's hard to find a sense of peace while surrounded by a lot of people. It's not a bad thing though. We all enjoy each other's company, so rather than being lifeless and boring while together, we choose to have fun. Actually, maybe it's almost an obligation. That's why yesterday was very welcomed. I wasn't obligated to do anything (except studying I guess). I didn't have to make conversation, listen to some issue, or just be lively.

I think I sound pretty anti-social up there, and maybe that's a reflection of how I'm feeling today. But it's not to say that I don't want to do or dislike partaking in what I said above. The whole part of being a friend is wanting the ones you love to be okay and to have a good time with them. And so for the past few months, as I've grown to know and grown in these people, that's what I've been doing.

However, I think yesterday was a necessary break. It's good to just be alone and be yourself, I would say. Even though I was with John, it was still just really relaxing. I think it's gotten to a point living with John where I can be pretty much completely comfortable being myself in my own room. He can be at his desk doing something, and I can be on my bed doing something else. There's no tension to talk or break silence. Sure, the added comment of something funny on youtube or facebook is welcomed, but over all, just knowing that we're there is enough to keep company. I really like that though. That's how close we are. There's not always a need for words, or a need to be doing something. Just us being there is enough.




And this is all to say that, though I wasn't technically alone yesterday, I was still free enough to just shut down and chill. Hopefully this defines my entrance into Finals Season. I don't want to go into it stressed out and wired up. I want to take finals as they come, and, while preparing, take it with a peaceful state of mind.

Maybe I'll keep in my room for a bit longer.


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Gahh...I don't want this to come off as being anti-social or not wanting to be with friends. I'm not saying that I don't want to be with anyone for finals days of the semester to come. I love my friends. And I love being with them. The only thing that should be taken out of this is that I liked relaxing yesterday. LOL.

No More Mirages.

I think it's pretty funny how forgetful people are.



I think it's pretty funny how forgetful people are.


I think it's pretty funny how forgetful I am.



When I heard stories from the Old Testament when the Jews forgot about God in the desert, I never really felt connected to it. It always seemed far from me, that it didn't apply.


I mean, if God parted the Red Sea, and delivered my entire people from slavery, I thought there was no way I could have forgotten him. Sure 40 years in a desert would have been really, really, really testing, but if I SAW God's work right in front of me, I just couldn't see myself ignoring what God did for me. Wishing to go back into the evil, no matter how much more comfortable it seemed. Wanting to just quit. How much better was I than those Jews.


I always remembered thinking these things. They were so lucky. God was doing all of these miracles right in front of them. If only they had not taken things for granted, then their situation would have been so much better off. IF I were to witness these things, there's no way I could waver from God.

I was wrong.

So wrong.



When I think back through my walk with God, I see the various works He's done. I remember the tiny moments of gratitude when a small prayer was answered. I remember him saying, "I'm here." I remember the few times when I actually tried to have communicative prayer with God, and when he answered back. I remember how freaking blessed I felt at Servant's. I remembered what God was saying to me then, only 2 weeks ago. Or, wait, was it actually 40 years?


All of these ideas began to race around in my mind last night. I was praying to God with some pathetic introduction like, "I know that I haven't been really keeping up with what I said I was going to do after Servant's....I really wanted things to change...don't let me lose sight of you yet." And in the midst of that prayer, my roommate Bisu lifted himself up from bed. He was in a dilemma. God had just spoken to him and he wasn't sure if he should listen. Now, what he did or what he was challenged with is besides the point. What matters now is that, in my own weak prayer, God was working right next to me. God is always working. He's always present. There is never a time when God does not care, see, feel. It is I who falters. Only days ago after Servant's was I saying to God how things were going to change, but how quickly did that progress recede. And in that moment of prayer, He was speaking to John.

What was my reasoning for this apathy? Thanksgiving break was so hectic. It's almost finals. My schedule this first year doesn't leave that much room for QT. The list can go on. And while I'm trying to justify this to God, while I'm trying to excuse myself momentarily from "taking a break", God is doing works in the same room. God is doing works everywhere. All the time. So, really, what's my excuse?


God has parted my Red Sea. He has delivered my from my slavery. But damnit, it is so easy to go back. From a distance, how much more comfortable does it seem.

But I have been given life, why would I want to go back? Rather than focusing on my faults, (though they are present) I have to take this as an exhortation from God.

Don't waver in the craziness.
Slow down for me.

Because if I truly seek relationship with God, He will respond 100 times more.

We learn from History, right? I am no better than when Moses' people wandered in the desert. Rather than cursing them, I can relate to them. But I won't make those same mistakes. I've wandered in my own desert for too long. It's time to make my way out. No more mirages. I will find my real oasis in God.

Going home.

I love UVA. I really do. For someone with so much "buyer's remorse", I'm surprised that I am not at least a little "remorseful" about my college decision. With so much certainty and consistency in my choice, and my feelings on it, this honestly has to be part of God's plan. That might sound a little corny and a bit cliche, but I am confident in my convictions to be able to say that. God lead me here to meet certain people, face certain obstacles, form a new family, struggle, and persevere. I already wrote in great detail about the incredible and awesome people--awesome family--that I've met here, so there's not much to elaborate on there. So all I have to say is this: I love UVA.

Our president for GCF was talking last Sunday at Chapel, and told us all how UVA was his real home, and how NOVA now felt like his home away from home. Maybe that's cause of whatever his past was like, or maybe it's just the virtue of having been away from home at college for 4 years, but for whatever reason, UVA is his home.

I can't say this yet.

UVA is definitely a home away from home--a place that I have found amazing comfort in. But it is still not my first home (not yet, at least?). I realized all this when I went back spur of the moment about two weeks ago. I found out one Wednesday evening that some of my friends were going home on the weekend, and I had a spontaneous desire to go home with them. And though it was random, it was a revealing experience.

In the other previous times when I went home, I always was ready to go back to college. Being home was good and relaxing, but I felt like I needed to be at UVA; I needed to be plugged back in. But now that everything has settled down, now that routines are set it and things are almost too familiar now, in that moment of going home, I realized: I miss it. I miss my home. My family, my hometown. I miss suburbia, my neighborhood. My friends, my first second family. Who knew?

That short weekend was not enough. It felt so good to just relax like how I used to. But when Sunday came, it was time to go home. It wasn't bad though. Once I got back to UVA, things fell right back into rhythm. It must be a college phenomenon: when I'm at UVA, I am not homesick. But when it nears time go to home, I could not be more excited.

I really miss my family though. There's no reason or need to explain that though. I just miss them. I'm pretty glad that UVA is not that far away though, and that I have the opportunity to just go home on a random weekend. But I am looking forward to spending time with them this break, as weird as that might sound.

I think there is some need for explanation on this next part though. Past conversations and situations has led me to realize just how much I miss some people back at home. I miss my brother, one of my best friends. No homo or anything, but I love this guy. Things with him don't usually make sense, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that we still talk and stuff. But honestly I really am. There are very, very few people that I still keep in contact with from high school and stuff. It shouldn't make sense that we're still close and whatnot, that I still know we're there for each other. But the random drop-in call to say hi or to rage about some stupid school assignment, or for still valuing my opinion on more serious matters, show me that nothing's changed. Yo we're gonna be brothers for life, even if you don't transfer into UVA. It's only been one semester, but really that's enough time for any friendship to fall apart. I got your back chigg. 사랑해.


I miss my best friend since 6th grade. Even though I barely saw her growing up (LOL like I'm dong "growing up"), knowing that I'm going home makes me miss her even more. I know that we never had a lot of chances to chill and stuff, at least not as much as I would've wanted, so infrequently seeing her over break isn't that different from before. But it's different, because now breaks are the only time we have to meet up. SO LET'S MEET UP!!!!!!!!!!!

And of course there is the neighbor that I have to see. Not just my food provider or my ride giver, but the sister I can't get rid of. LOL JOKE LANG! Seriously, we've gone through a lot of crap with each other, so there's no worry for me in my mind either. I know, even without you saying, that we're both freaking busy this thanksgiving break. So if we can't meet up, even for a little bit, this break, I will definitely see your face over Christmas. Don't have any more meltdowns, but if you do, even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm always available for that. Don't forget that. <3

Aigoo...I really want to go home. I want to see these people. I want to eat spaghetti...omg....I miss my mom's food. I have never appreciated home cooked meals as much as I do now. MOM AND DAD I'M COMING SOON!!! (And you too Ericka).

get ready to do my laundry >:D

Let's go back

to when decisions consisted of chocolate or white milk at lunch.

of what game to play on N64.

of who to be partners with in class.

of whether or not to stay up a few minutes past your bed time.

of watching nickelodeon or cartoon network.

of which new pokemon card to trade.

of which flavor of ice cream to get when you got good grades.

of which power ranger action figure to pick out a toys'r'us.

of what game to play at recess.

of whether or not to sneak another cookie after dinner.

of what books to read for stupid summer reading assignments.

of what to eat at snack time.

of how often to play outside.

I'm indecisive. Decisions suck. But this is getting out of hand.

I'm very thankful to be where I am now, to be with who I am with, and to know what I know. But damnit, things used to be a lot easier.

Maybe I don't want to go back, but I sure as hell don't want this either.

I'm meeting myself at a crossroads.

So, as some of you should know, I just came back from a retreat this past weekend.

It was beyond words.

It's kind of funny. It's beyond words almost to me now, but 3 years ago it wasn't. 3 years, when I first surrendered my life to Christ, words just spewed out of me. And like a noob, I posted it on my myspace blog LOL. But as old-fashioned and immature as that sounds, how much more passionate and sure was I in that moment. I remember thinking back, during this Sevant's retreat, to my old post on my myspace. I remembered how embarrassed I was when I saw my Youth Pastor's comment on my post. I remembered how awkward it felt to post those "un-cool" and "personal" things on my myspace. But then I remembered how good it felt to write that blog. How genuine those words were. How revived--how alive I was. In all my literate immaturity, I'm going to re-post that entry on my new blog here. Read if you want, especially if you want to know how stupid I sounded in 8th grade (LOL):

Mar 31, 2007

Current mood:contemplative

Echo

Okay again, this is directed towards a more Christian audience, but please feel free to continue reading if you want. Remember, I'm not trying to convert anyone, this is by your own free-will you are reading this.

Alright well, I know this is a bit late, but I really want to talk about this past weekend I just had. My youth and I went on a weekend retreat called Spring Fling. It was incredible. I can't describe it, really. In two days there was a huge leap in our bond with eachother as a youth group, and with God. I don't doubt that all of us felt the burning presence of the Holy Spirit raging inside.

The whole weekend covered who Jesus really was, and what he calls us to do. Jesus, in basic terms, was crazy. He would be blunt, mean, and rude. People think that all he said was,"love others." He said this true, but he also went and turned buildings upside down.

He also taught others to be selfless, to serve others. For once, it wasn't about you, but about the others. This, everyone, is what the Kingdom of God is all about. The others. The lost. The blind. All of us are already saved. He calls upon us for the others. And by doing so weecho Jesus Christ himself.

So now Jesus Christ calls us to be a selfless, loving, but crazy person. And hopefully, by doing so, we'll help the others. Seems difficult, huh? Jesus and his diciples faced persecution and hatred, yet they managed to spread Christianity all through out the known world. Within 100 years, Christianity had spread out of Rome, and all over Europe.

So why, in todays world, is Christianity suffering. Why, in Jesus' time, did his word prosper. The worst you and I will ever face is maybe a label. But that's all it really is. We won't die for his name, we won't be banished. But even so, the banishment seemed to keep the fire spreading.

I think we are all getting lazy. We're all victims of it. Even me, yeah, Josh, the Jesus guy. We want to indulge. We want to be a dick, we want to fuck this person over. But we can't, we can't succom to these temptations, we have to think of the others.

Okay, okay. So who the hell is this guy, preaching to us to stop being a dick.? Why does he think he can tell any of us how live our lives?

Guys, I'm not trying to. I admit, I'm probably one of the worst about it. It's so hard to avoid in highschool. The social inequalities, the stereotypes, the want for self-indulgence. It's all there, and I'm a victim to it.

But we can't use this excuse forever. "Oh, it's too hard, I guess if it's inevitable to sin, then I might as well give up." "I might as well forget about Jesus until I need him for something or another." I have to stop thinking like this. We have to stop thinking like this. Once we fall victim to this, once we are sucked into this trap, all of society looses hope. We are Jesus to them. We are their outlets. We are the echo. Please, the only thing that I hope anyone takes out of this is, to remember. Remember what Jesus wants us to do. When we see someone being trashed in the hallway, don't partake in it. We all want too, it's so easy. But, once we do, we loose sight of Jesus and fall to sin. Chain reaction. More sin. More lack of control. No hope.

It's about the others

If we want to see a change in how our youth of today think, then we need to be the echo, the true echo, of Jesus Christ.

thanks for reading

Good luck

&

God bless ^^b

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Dang...I remember feeling like everything clicked. Like God wasn't just a set of rules, but a person. Someone I was in a relationship with. Someone I could rely on. Someone to talk to, even. But more than that, that God was an entruster. An entruster of his mission to us. To me. To do what he does: to love others. To care for them. To serve them. That, "doing this in remembrance" of Him, was not just ritualistic, but a fundamental change in living. In living for others.

Thinking back it even now, you could almost say that I'm jealous of my old self. Of that passion that I had. And it lasted for a while too. But like most passion does, as most spiritual-highs do, it died down. Unfortunately, I missed one, crucial point at that ECHO retreat. That my confrontation with the living Christ was not an end, but an ongoing process.

Close friendship cannot really last with one phone call, and incessant begging afterwards. Rather than relationship, it's dependence.

God calls us to be in relationship with him. And if I think that, one real, interaction with him is enough to prolong a relationship, then I am sadly mistaken. My communication with God was indeed prayer, and consistent prayer at that. But it was all demanding. "Please do this.." "Give me this..." "Make it so that..." What relationship would ever sustain like this? How is this love?

I know that I'm probably stating the obvious. In fact, for me, it was always the obvious. But it's easy to know something and to act otherwise. Unfortunately, I did.

Servant's changed this though. Ever since basically the summer before Senior year, I was on this spiritual drought. I wasn't losing faith in God, but I lost faith in myself to talk to him. I thought that, because of my ineptitude to relate to God, I was left behind. But God revealed many things to me this weekend. Avoiding the specifics of the sermons and such (Because that would take multiple blog posts to accomplish), I saw myself as left behind by God. But in reality, his intentions were different. To him, he had drawn me in part way; I had made my way closer to him, closer to where he wants me to be. But rather than being complacent about my incomplete advances, he moved farther back to draw me in even closer, and was calling me from farther away. But after March 31, 2007, I thought I was done. And so when I felt that God had left, I had failed to see that he was just calling me closer to him once again.

This epiphany hit me on the very first night. God's calling me closer, not leaving me behind. I need to stop just talking at God with my palms open for receiving. I need to actually talk to God. Read his words to us. Spend time with him. Thinking with him. Just talking. If my friend wrote me a letter telling me about such good news, would I not do the same thing?

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Alright, well I tried to not get too religious in this post. I tried to keep it short too... T_T. I was trying to also focus mostly on my older, myspace post as well. But things didn't really turn out as planned I guess. That's okay though. Though neither as concise or as powerful as what I wrote so long ago, I feel like I have met myself at a crossroads. Here I am, in reflection of my past, and in anticipation of things to come. Nothing is certain; not all is laid out for me. I still have a lot to learn, much to seek, but at least I'm at a new beginning of getting there. With general ideas of how to move forward, I am now setting my sails to meet the wind of God's gusts, blowing me in the direction of where I will meet him again.