No More Mirages.

I think it's pretty funny how forgetful people are.



I think it's pretty funny how forgetful people are.


I think it's pretty funny how forgetful I am.



When I heard stories from the Old Testament when the Jews forgot about God in the desert, I never really felt connected to it. It always seemed far from me, that it didn't apply.


I mean, if God parted the Red Sea, and delivered my entire people from slavery, I thought there was no way I could have forgotten him. Sure 40 years in a desert would have been really, really, really testing, but if I SAW God's work right in front of me, I just couldn't see myself ignoring what God did for me. Wishing to go back into the evil, no matter how much more comfortable it seemed. Wanting to just quit. How much better was I than those Jews.


I always remembered thinking these things. They were so lucky. God was doing all of these miracles right in front of them. If only they had not taken things for granted, then their situation would have been so much better off. IF I were to witness these things, there's no way I could waver from God.

I was wrong.

So wrong.



When I think back through my walk with God, I see the various works He's done. I remember the tiny moments of gratitude when a small prayer was answered. I remember him saying, "I'm here." I remember the few times when I actually tried to have communicative prayer with God, and when he answered back. I remember how freaking blessed I felt at Servant's. I remembered what God was saying to me then, only 2 weeks ago. Or, wait, was it actually 40 years?


All of these ideas began to race around in my mind last night. I was praying to God with some pathetic introduction like, "I know that I haven't been really keeping up with what I said I was going to do after Servant's....I really wanted things to change...don't let me lose sight of you yet." And in the midst of that prayer, my roommate Bisu lifted himself up from bed. He was in a dilemma. God had just spoken to him and he wasn't sure if he should listen. Now, what he did or what he was challenged with is besides the point. What matters now is that, in my own weak prayer, God was working right next to me. God is always working. He's always present. There is never a time when God does not care, see, feel. It is I who falters. Only days ago after Servant's was I saying to God how things were going to change, but how quickly did that progress recede. And in that moment of prayer, He was speaking to John.

What was my reasoning for this apathy? Thanksgiving break was so hectic. It's almost finals. My schedule this first year doesn't leave that much room for QT. The list can go on. And while I'm trying to justify this to God, while I'm trying to excuse myself momentarily from "taking a break", God is doing works in the same room. God is doing works everywhere. All the time. So, really, what's my excuse?


God has parted my Red Sea. He has delivered my from my slavery. But damnit, it is so easy to go back. From a distance, how much more comfortable does it seem.

But I have been given life, why would I want to go back? Rather than focusing on my faults, (though they are present) I have to take this as an exhortation from God.

Don't waver in the craziness.
Slow down for me.

Because if I truly seek relationship with God, He will respond 100 times more.

We learn from History, right? I am no better than when Moses' people wandered in the desert. Rather than cursing them, I can relate to them. But I won't make those same mistakes. I've wandered in my own desert for too long. It's time to make my way out. No more mirages. I will find my real oasis in God.

Going home.

I love UVA. I really do. For someone with so much "buyer's remorse", I'm surprised that I am not at least a little "remorseful" about my college decision. With so much certainty and consistency in my choice, and my feelings on it, this honestly has to be part of God's plan. That might sound a little corny and a bit cliche, but I am confident in my convictions to be able to say that. God lead me here to meet certain people, face certain obstacles, form a new family, struggle, and persevere. I already wrote in great detail about the incredible and awesome people--awesome family--that I've met here, so there's not much to elaborate on there. So all I have to say is this: I love UVA.

Our president for GCF was talking last Sunday at Chapel, and told us all how UVA was his real home, and how NOVA now felt like his home away from home. Maybe that's cause of whatever his past was like, or maybe it's just the virtue of having been away from home at college for 4 years, but for whatever reason, UVA is his home.

I can't say this yet.

UVA is definitely a home away from home--a place that I have found amazing comfort in. But it is still not my first home (not yet, at least?). I realized all this when I went back spur of the moment about two weeks ago. I found out one Wednesday evening that some of my friends were going home on the weekend, and I had a spontaneous desire to go home with them. And though it was random, it was a revealing experience.

In the other previous times when I went home, I always was ready to go back to college. Being home was good and relaxing, but I felt like I needed to be at UVA; I needed to be plugged back in. But now that everything has settled down, now that routines are set it and things are almost too familiar now, in that moment of going home, I realized: I miss it. I miss my home. My family, my hometown. I miss suburbia, my neighborhood. My friends, my first second family. Who knew?

That short weekend was not enough. It felt so good to just relax like how I used to. But when Sunday came, it was time to go home. It wasn't bad though. Once I got back to UVA, things fell right back into rhythm. It must be a college phenomenon: when I'm at UVA, I am not homesick. But when it nears time go to home, I could not be more excited.

I really miss my family though. There's no reason or need to explain that though. I just miss them. I'm pretty glad that UVA is not that far away though, and that I have the opportunity to just go home on a random weekend. But I am looking forward to spending time with them this break, as weird as that might sound.

I think there is some need for explanation on this next part though. Past conversations and situations has led me to realize just how much I miss some people back at home. I miss my brother, one of my best friends. No homo or anything, but I love this guy. Things with him don't usually make sense, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that we still talk and stuff. But honestly I really am. There are very, very few people that I still keep in contact with from high school and stuff. It shouldn't make sense that we're still close and whatnot, that I still know we're there for each other. But the random drop-in call to say hi or to rage about some stupid school assignment, or for still valuing my opinion on more serious matters, show me that nothing's changed. Yo we're gonna be brothers for life, even if you don't transfer into UVA. It's only been one semester, but really that's enough time for any friendship to fall apart. I got your back chigg. 사랑해.


I miss my best friend since 6th grade. Even though I barely saw her growing up (LOL like I'm dong "growing up"), knowing that I'm going home makes me miss her even more. I know that we never had a lot of chances to chill and stuff, at least not as much as I would've wanted, so infrequently seeing her over break isn't that different from before. But it's different, because now breaks are the only time we have to meet up. SO LET'S MEET UP!!!!!!!!!!!

And of course there is the neighbor that I have to see. Not just my food provider or my ride giver, but the sister I can't get rid of. LOL JOKE LANG! Seriously, we've gone through a lot of crap with each other, so there's no worry for me in my mind either. I know, even without you saying, that we're both freaking busy this thanksgiving break. So if we can't meet up, even for a little bit, this break, I will definitely see your face over Christmas. Don't have any more meltdowns, but if you do, even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm always available for that. Don't forget that. <3

Aigoo...I really want to go home. I want to see these people. I want to eat spaghetti...omg....I miss my mom's food. I have never appreciated home cooked meals as much as I do now. MOM AND DAD I'M COMING SOON!!! (And you too Ericka).

get ready to do my laundry >:D

Let's go back

to when decisions consisted of chocolate or white milk at lunch.

of what game to play on N64.

of who to be partners with in class.

of whether or not to stay up a few minutes past your bed time.

of watching nickelodeon or cartoon network.

of which new pokemon card to trade.

of which flavor of ice cream to get when you got good grades.

of which power ranger action figure to pick out a toys'r'us.

of what game to play at recess.

of whether or not to sneak another cookie after dinner.

of what books to read for stupid summer reading assignments.

of what to eat at snack time.

of how often to play outside.

I'm indecisive. Decisions suck. But this is getting out of hand.

I'm very thankful to be where I am now, to be with who I am with, and to know what I know. But damnit, things used to be a lot easier.

Maybe I don't want to go back, but I sure as hell don't want this either.

I'm meeting myself at a crossroads.

So, as some of you should know, I just came back from a retreat this past weekend.

It was beyond words.

It's kind of funny. It's beyond words almost to me now, but 3 years ago it wasn't. 3 years, when I first surrendered my life to Christ, words just spewed out of me. And like a noob, I posted it on my myspace blog LOL. But as old-fashioned and immature as that sounds, how much more passionate and sure was I in that moment. I remember thinking back, during this Sevant's retreat, to my old post on my myspace. I remembered how embarrassed I was when I saw my Youth Pastor's comment on my post. I remembered how awkward it felt to post those "un-cool" and "personal" things on my myspace. But then I remembered how good it felt to write that blog. How genuine those words were. How revived--how alive I was. In all my literate immaturity, I'm going to re-post that entry on my new blog here. Read if you want, especially if you want to know how stupid I sounded in 8th grade (LOL):

Mar 31, 2007

Current mood:contemplative

Echo

Okay again, this is directed towards a more Christian audience, but please feel free to continue reading if you want. Remember, I'm not trying to convert anyone, this is by your own free-will you are reading this.

Alright well, I know this is a bit late, but I really want to talk about this past weekend I just had. My youth and I went on a weekend retreat called Spring Fling. It was incredible. I can't describe it, really. In two days there was a huge leap in our bond with eachother as a youth group, and with God. I don't doubt that all of us felt the burning presence of the Holy Spirit raging inside.

The whole weekend covered who Jesus really was, and what he calls us to do. Jesus, in basic terms, was crazy. He would be blunt, mean, and rude. People think that all he said was,"love others." He said this true, but he also went and turned buildings upside down.

He also taught others to be selfless, to serve others. For once, it wasn't about you, but about the others. This, everyone, is what the Kingdom of God is all about. The others. The lost. The blind. All of us are already saved. He calls upon us for the others. And by doing so weecho Jesus Christ himself.

So now Jesus Christ calls us to be a selfless, loving, but crazy person. And hopefully, by doing so, we'll help the others. Seems difficult, huh? Jesus and his diciples faced persecution and hatred, yet they managed to spread Christianity all through out the known world. Within 100 years, Christianity had spread out of Rome, and all over Europe.

So why, in todays world, is Christianity suffering. Why, in Jesus' time, did his word prosper. The worst you and I will ever face is maybe a label. But that's all it really is. We won't die for his name, we won't be banished. But even so, the banishment seemed to keep the fire spreading.

I think we are all getting lazy. We're all victims of it. Even me, yeah, Josh, the Jesus guy. We want to indulge. We want to be a dick, we want to fuck this person over. But we can't, we can't succom to these temptations, we have to think of the others.

Okay, okay. So who the hell is this guy, preaching to us to stop being a dick.? Why does he think he can tell any of us how live our lives?

Guys, I'm not trying to. I admit, I'm probably one of the worst about it. It's so hard to avoid in highschool. The social inequalities, the stereotypes, the want for self-indulgence. It's all there, and I'm a victim to it.

But we can't use this excuse forever. "Oh, it's too hard, I guess if it's inevitable to sin, then I might as well give up." "I might as well forget about Jesus until I need him for something or another." I have to stop thinking like this. We have to stop thinking like this. Once we fall victim to this, once we are sucked into this trap, all of society looses hope. We are Jesus to them. We are their outlets. We are the echo. Please, the only thing that I hope anyone takes out of this is, to remember. Remember what Jesus wants us to do. When we see someone being trashed in the hallway, don't partake in it. We all want too, it's so easy. But, once we do, we loose sight of Jesus and fall to sin. Chain reaction. More sin. More lack of control. No hope.

It's about the others

If we want to see a change in how our youth of today think, then we need to be the echo, the true echo, of Jesus Christ.

thanks for reading

Good luck

&

God bless ^^b

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Dang...I remember feeling like everything clicked. Like God wasn't just a set of rules, but a person. Someone I was in a relationship with. Someone I could rely on. Someone to talk to, even. But more than that, that God was an entruster. An entruster of his mission to us. To me. To do what he does: to love others. To care for them. To serve them. That, "doing this in remembrance" of Him, was not just ritualistic, but a fundamental change in living. In living for others.

Thinking back it even now, you could almost say that I'm jealous of my old self. Of that passion that I had. And it lasted for a while too. But like most passion does, as most spiritual-highs do, it died down. Unfortunately, I missed one, crucial point at that ECHO retreat. That my confrontation with the living Christ was not an end, but an ongoing process.

Close friendship cannot really last with one phone call, and incessant begging afterwards. Rather than relationship, it's dependence.

God calls us to be in relationship with him. And if I think that, one real, interaction with him is enough to prolong a relationship, then I am sadly mistaken. My communication with God was indeed prayer, and consistent prayer at that. But it was all demanding. "Please do this.." "Give me this..." "Make it so that..." What relationship would ever sustain like this? How is this love?

I know that I'm probably stating the obvious. In fact, for me, it was always the obvious. But it's easy to know something and to act otherwise. Unfortunately, I did.

Servant's changed this though. Ever since basically the summer before Senior year, I was on this spiritual drought. I wasn't losing faith in God, but I lost faith in myself to talk to him. I thought that, because of my ineptitude to relate to God, I was left behind. But God revealed many things to me this weekend. Avoiding the specifics of the sermons and such (Because that would take multiple blog posts to accomplish), I saw myself as left behind by God. But in reality, his intentions were different. To him, he had drawn me in part way; I had made my way closer to him, closer to where he wants me to be. But rather than being complacent about my incomplete advances, he moved farther back to draw me in even closer, and was calling me from farther away. But after March 31, 2007, I thought I was done. And so when I felt that God had left, I had failed to see that he was just calling me closer to him once again.

This epiphany hit me on the very first night. God's calling me closer, not leaving me behind. I need to stop just talking at God with my palms open for receiving. I need to actually talk to God. Read his words to us. Spend time with him. Thinking with him. Just talking. If my friend wrote me a letter telling me about such good news, would I not do the same thing?

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Alright, well I tried to not get too religious in this post. I tried to keep it short too... T_T. I was trying to also focus mostly on my older, myspace post as well. But things didn't really turn out as planned I guess. That's okay though. Though neither as concise or as powerful as what I wrote so long ago, I feel like I have met myself at a crossroads. Here I am, in reflection of my past, and in anticipation of things to come. Nothing is certain; not all is laid out for me. I still have a lot to learn, much to seek, but at least I'm at a new beginning of getting there. With general ideas of how to move forward, I am now setting my sails to meet the wind of God's gusts, blowing me in the direction of where I will meet him again.

COLLEGE LIFE...a little late.

So, having inspired one of my best friends Gigi to begin her own adventure into the blogger world, I have been re inspired myself to once again take on this task. I know that I'm an incredibly lazy person and that if I didn't have people or events to make me at least try to write on this, I wouldn't. And in the future I would have nothing to look back on, which would be pretty lame cause I did put a lot of effort at some points in this blog.

BUT DAANG. The last time I posted on this thing was on my birthday, and it wasn't that happy of a post either. Wow...my birthday was on August, 11 2010. And now it's November 10, 2010. It's almost been 4 months since I wrote on this thing. Crazy. But then again it's not that crazy. Because ten days after my birthday, August 21st, I went to college.

College really is something impossible to capture within words. It's my education. It's my friends. It's my stress. It's my home. It's my new life. From right now, thinking back to the beginning, it's hard to imagine that it's been about 3 months already, but it's harder to imagine that it's been only 3 months. At UVA, I've met some of the best friends of my life, faced some of the hardest situations, and had some of the most memorable experiences yet.

When I comb through this before I publish it, I'll probably think that I sound over-hyped and exaggerative (is that a word...? LOL). But right now that's really how I feel. College has taken my almost monotonous life and completely tossed it around. There's so much going on, even though it's starting to slow down in some ways, that it's too hard to just write about. So, following in suit of Gigi, I think I'll try to describe it through the people here. Experiences aren't much without people, anyway.

Well obviously I have to start with someone other than John, because he matters the least right now. So let me go on about my friend in my Statistics cla--HA I kid. I think an introduction of people here beginning with anyone other than John would be terribly put together.

So here's to John Bisu Lee:

Well, as most of you know, John is my roommate here at UVa. But he's also one of my best and closest friends. A lot of people had said that you shouldn't room with people that you're close with, but so far I haven't regretted decision. Although, I have to admit that living with a close friend can be stressful if there's some tension, over all, I wouldn't want to change it. Living with someone who knows me almost too well, and someone who I can be completely open with, takes away an incredible amount of stress from the "college experience." I know people here who almost never want to go back to their dorm, because their random roommate turned out to be a total tool. But I don't have this stress lurking around the whole day. I said in earlier posts that I was very thankful to have John going to UVa with me, and that still is true today. And back then, there is no way that I could have appreciated this as much as I do now. I never expected to meet my roommate online, let alone one of my best friends. It still makes me think, "What the hell....LOL," to this day, but 아직 너무 감사해. Even though John makes a lot of people uncomfortable (only initially though, just cause he's so upfront about things. It's a good thing.), college is a bit more comfortable for me, In fact, probably because of John, I've made some of the closest friends of my life here at UVa as well.

Alex:

Alright, so before anyone asks, Alex is still first ONLY because his name is alphabetically before Charles' LOL. But really it's cause I like him more (농담 ㅋㅋ). But yeah, dang...it's a whole different story with Alex. I never believed (or wanted to believe, rather) that you meet some of your best friends at college. But how foolish was I. While there's definitely still the same huge place for those certain people that I love from before college, and while I'm not so immature that I would replace them, never would I have foreseen the relationships I now have made here. Too bad Alex isn't one of them......................

LOL. But seriously, Alex is probably one of the best examples of what I was talking about above. When I talk to Alex, sometimes it really seems like I'm talking to myself. Not to sound homo or anything, but it seems like because we're so similar in a lot of ways, we have this friendship where we can already understand each other without really having to say much. I remember this one time in particular, when we were walking to the corner through the lawn (BAHAH this sounds so weird to people not from UVa), Alex was saying something about himself which, to him, he couldn't really explain. But I actually had the same issue, if you could call it that, and basically finished what he couldn't say. It's like that quote from the brilliant C.S. Lewis that says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, What! You too? I thought I was the only one." And that moment on the lawn was exactly one of those moments. From then on, I knew that Alex would become one of my best friends. Not just here, but in general. I can only look forward now, for the rest of the 4 years that will come, and hopefully to New York and Grad School (LOLOL), and to the rest of my life, keeping Alex close.

Charles:

Charles too. A lot of what I had to say above fits Charles just as well. I remember this other time when It was just him and I sitting in his room after econ one day. I was supposed to study for Stats, but knowing me, I just chilled instead. Somehow we got to talk about pretty deep topics, about beliefs, great moments of faith in our lives, and just stuff in general. And almost the same with Alex, everything we were saying seemed to just click. It was like talking to myself pretty much. Even more comforting is that it was like asking myself a doubtful question, and hearing a response I would have given myself a few months or years back. To say the least, it was encouraging. But more than that, it was then that I knew I was talking to someone who I'd be a brother too forever. With Charles especially, I'm extremely grateful to be this way with him now. Because with my stupid issues, it almost didn't seem like we would be as close as we are now. To expand on this as little as possible, it didn't seem like Charles wanted to be friends ... (ROFL QQ....). But that's all in the past now. Now, trying explain all of this in wordsl, it takes away from the value it has to me, to have found these core group of brothers that I can depend on and relate to, share in the good with and trust with my bad sides too.

Shean:

John's cousin, Judith's boyfriend...LOL. So many tags. But yeah, I'm glad to have gotten to know Shean this first semester, and I'm really glad to get to live with him next year. It's kinda sad because I don't see him as much as the other guys (Because we're all single and he isn't...LOL), but I think next year will provide many more opportunities to get to know Shean even better. But yeah, I doubt you'll even check this and read this, at least not in the near future, but you're an awesome kid and I'm really excited for next year :D.

Seolah:

Who knew that randomly sitting next to someone on orientation day would have resulted in such a funny, entertaining, enlightening, and a very valuable friendship. You're my favorite girl at UVa LOL. :). But yeah, I guess you are kind of like a guy in that I feel almost too comfortable around you. Even though I don't see you every day, or as much as a lot of other people here, I still count you as one of my closest friends at UVa. You're very confident, and sound in your reasoning, and even though I like to make fun of you for being dense, there is actually a lot to be learned from you. I can trust, that when I turn to you with something, I'll get a fair and reasonable assessment. But other than that, you're just really interesting to talk to, and very fun to have around. To be honest, in the beginning, I didn't see us clicking that well. But now I can't see why I thought that. It's always pleasant to have you around. I know that's a weird word choice, and I don't mean it in the commonly assumed sense of the word, like "pleasant looking," or "she's a pleasant old lady." But I mean it like: it's just nice to have you around :). So stick around for a while, okay?

Suji:

Suji is one of first girls I met here at UVa. And I'm immensely glad that I did. I told her this too, but even though to me, it seemed like she wasn't really interested in getting to know me at all LOL, Suji is an invaluable friend here and someone I want to remain close with. I love how she teaches me Korean, even though John is a better teacher. But I haven't really annoyed her too much yet, so it's all good. But seriously, even though I've been cursed with having to get close to TWO GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS LOL, Suji is becoming a girl that I can trust as well. With her, our correspondence in the beginning was nothing more than hanging out only by the virtue of sharing the same friends. But thankfully through that, we've bonded and are becoming closer each day.

Judith:

It's basically the same for Judith as well. I think it's a fair statement to say that, out of respect for her and her relationship (as well as Suji's), I've taken getting to know her a lot slowly than I have with the bro's. But as we continue to talk and grow in friendship, I see us becoming real friends. I might make fun of her a lot and have more quick and snarky comments than genuine things to say to her, but I care for her well being and want to be remain close. Just don't make your boyfriend hate me .... -______- .... and you'll be a very, very, very tiny person that I can depend on :).

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But yeah, that's about it for people here. I'm sure they'll come up a lot if I continue to actually post on this thing, so get used to seeing their names. To all of you guys that I was talking about (The ones from before high school), I still am massively grateful to have you guys. When I get a call or a text from one of you, even if it may not seem like it, it's really comforting to know that college hasn't ruined our friendship. If I don't reply or always seem like I have to go somewhere, it's cause life over here is super busy. But I still love you guys!

ANYWAY, yeah, so I hope you have a better sense of my life here at UVa now. I'm in clemons library where I'm supposed to be studying for my STATs quiz tomorrow, but I decided to do this instead. Now that you know who I'm with down here, the context is provided for many awesome, sad, trying, and epic stories to come.

until next time~